On So Many Levels
by tekken4life
Summary: Koichi is deeply in love with the one person he can never have, but somehow he finds himself falling deeper and deeper... and he never wants it to stop.  Can love truly overcome anything?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: I End Here**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Digimon Frontier or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Hey everyone, this is my first Digimon piece of work, so I hope you like it. This story is dedicated my 'twin' from another lifetime, Knightales, who made this story possible through her persistent encouragement and infinite wisdom. Please review, as I'd really like to hear what you guys think.

'**Forbidden, that is what you are to me**

**And yet still, for only you will my heart beat'**

I stood there, right behind him, trying my best to ignore the pain inside me that's slowly murdering my heart. Thank God the mirror's only big enough for him to see only his own reflection. If he asked me what the hell was wrong with me in that sarcastic tone I've grown to love, I'd probably die. He doesn't know – he can never know. That's the sickening fact from which I draw my safety and loneliness from. It's because of this unhealthy fixation that I feel so beneath him. He's the exact image of me, my other self I call him. And he'll never know.

"Is my tie done properly?" asked Koji casually. I briefly lifted my head to take in the sight of my younger brother dressed to the nines in his designer suit. I wanted to give him a confident tease about his sudden vanity, but all I could manage was a weak squeal to show him my agreement. The jet black bangs from my head fell softly into my eyes, shielding the rest of the world from the full extent of my inner turmoil. Today is the day Koji commits his life to someone else, and leaves me to wander in my heartless solitude. It seemed appropriate to me that someone should give me a funeral on my twin's wedding day. After all, I was losing the thing that mattered most to me in my life – is there any point in carrying on?

In the laws of physics, the point in time known as equilibrium is when all things return to a state of simplicity. In other words, they enter some sort of strange dance with each other, each species trying to move in a different direction to the other, but they never really succeed: there's this powerful connection that holds them together. For me, it could not be a more accurate description of the life I've been living for the past thirteen years. Except I wouldn't use the word 'equilibrium' – 'purgatory' is more like it. I've been caught in my own personal hell in the prime years of my life and there isn't a damn thing I can do to stop it. Why? Because I know I don't have the strength to do it. There isn't enough courage in the world that can make me forget how I feel for Koji, or tell him my twisted secret. So I opted to suffer in silence, watching this beautiful angel from a distance, and willingly drove a stake through myself.

Why I love my brother, I'll never know. Maybe I have some subconscious narcissistic need to love myself, and I somehow projected that onto him, but I highly doubt that. I've always been the type of person that easily fades into the background, and I prefer it that way so that no one could ever hurt me. Life hasn't exactly been kind in the cards it has dealt me, and I wasn't going to waste mine waiting for a better hand to come. Ah, if only it had worked out the way I planned: a fairytale rags-to-riches story portraying my difficult ascent from poverty to the crème de la crème of Tokyo's enchanting society. Instead, I fell in love with my extremely stubborn loner of a brother, and I've been disgusted at myself ever since.

The colorful tale of my past lies just after Koji and I were born. From what I could gather, my parents' marriage was hardly the definition of stable. My dad would work put in long hours in the office, and my mother would stay at home, ceaselessly looking after two restless twin boys. Eventually, their relationship began to crack. I guess it simply got to a point where they couldn't stand to see each others' faces anymore – Dad must have complained of Mom not being supportive of his career, and I can imagine Mom countering with her argument of Dad neglecting her and us to chase after his corporate dreams. In any case, they decided that it just wasn't working out anymore, and our family was killed in just two signatures on a piece of paper. The problem came with the sensitive issue of where Koji and I would live out the rest of our lives. Ideally, one of them would have to have primary custody of both of us, but thanks to a prenuptial agreement and her fierce sense of pride, Mom never got to see a cent of the money Dad made, and hence couldn't afford a drawn out legal battle. So alternative arrangements were made: Mom would take me, leaving Koji in Dad's care. To avoid the ache of having to remember that the two of us were half of a pair, we were both raised as only children, and our parents were careful to erase any sign of the twin left in their former spouse's possession. For the first thirteen years of our lives, Mom and Dad were careful to not breathe a word about their failed marriage, or that living in opposite districts of Tokyo were identical brothers leading completely different lives.

I remember my childhood as being a tough one, but with full of smiles. Soon after the divorce, Mom moved back in with her mother, and moved on with her life with a graceful persistence. She soon started working multiple jobs simultaneously. Like Dad, she began to have unforgiveable hours, barring the commercial glamour and significant salary. Cleaner, cashier, secretary – whatever menial job existed, my mother did it in the name of supporting her family. Our existence was often a hand-to-mouth one, with us barely managing to make ends meet. I remember spending many nights with my grandmother doing homework by candlelight, while Mom was out at work, trying to earn enough money to reconnect electricity to our humble abode. There were weeks where I hardly saw her – she would come home in the morning and trudge straight to bed for some overdue rest. When I'd return from school in the early afternoon, she'd be gone, and wouldn't return until the morning. It broke my heart to see her wear herself down. She worked so hard, and never once complained. At the first sign of me or my grandmother falling ill, she'd force us to go to the government hospital, but she'd never go for herself. She always wore this relentless smile on her face, so brave in the face of adversity staring straight at her. Never once did she let me help her bear the burden of trying to bring in money. "Koichi, just focus on your studies. That's all I want for you" she'd always say. If God really did exist, my mother was unequivocal proof.

Things changed soon after I turned twelve. My grandmother's age began taking its toll on her body, and one by one, her organs began to give up. She was constantly in and out of hospital that year, spending hours at a time receiving doses of various drugs to help her hold onto the last inch of life she had left. Eventually, her body grew too weak to return back home, and she became a permanent resident at the hospital. After school, I'd make a detour there to visit her, distracting her from her ailments with my mundane stories from school. If she ever got bored, she never let it show. A huge smile would crack across her lips the minute Mom or I would walk into the ward. Even though I was old enough to be left at home alone, it was sad to be the only one in the house. Mom pushed herself to work even harder to pay for the medical bills, and not having my grandmother around was a constant reminder of the fate that loomed ominously above her. It's a guess, but I think it was around here my life started to go haywire. I was so used to the three of us being so close that it was torture for me to be apart from my small family.

On the day she died, my grandmother sent her attending doctor and my mother out of the room. In between her raspy breaths, she took my hand and revealed to me the secret past my parents worked so hard to keep hidden. She told me about my parents' divorce and of Koji's existence. "You need to find him" she whispered shakily. "It is a mistake for both of you to live apart." Her words cut right through me. In the space of a few minutes, I'd found out that I had a brother wandering around somewhere and a father who was only too happy to keep him the dark about me. How was I expected to process all of this? "Promise me you'll find him Koichi" she said, her thick tears beginning to cascade from her wizened eyes. "Promise me you'll find Koji." Before I could answer, her hand went limp in my tender grasp. I didn't need to see the light leave her eyes, or hear the resounding beep of the heart monitor to know she left this world. She passed on, leaving me caught in a storm of unanswered questions that I had to answer myself.

After the funeral, Mom and I didn't really talk much. It was just too hard to reach out and comfort each other. We would find little reminders of my grandmother everywhere in the house, especially in the uncomfortable silences that filled the rare occasions when I actually got to spend some time with my mother. A good part of me was angry at her – how dare she keep my own brother, my TWIN brother, a secret from me? There were days when I just didn't know how to respond to what I'd learnt. I'd gone to sleep as an only child on one day and had woken up as the elder half of an extremely confused duo the next. Then there were days where I'd kick myself for being so hard on Mom – this was traumatic for her too. She had to say goodbye to one of her own sons without ever knowing whether she would see him again. It was too much to ask her to relive the hurt of her failed marriage and separation from her other child, and given the circumstances, I didn't want to push her over the edge. If I was going to find Koji, I'd have to do it on my own.

Three frustrating months passed by until I finally fulfilled my promise to my grandmother. One has a better chance of trying finding a needle in a haystack than of tracking someone in Tokyo. For me, the issue was where to start looking. All I had to go off of was a simple name: Koji Minamoto. Add that to the fact that I was barely twelve, and I might as well have been asking for the moon. But I had no choice. Whatever this was, it was bigger than me, or any other individual person. This was about more than satisfying my curiosity – this was about discovering where we both came from. I have to admit, I was dying to see what he'd be like. In my head, I pictured him as a materially different version of me, leading some other life I could only dream of, a sort of _The Prince and the Pauper_ vision for lack of any other description.

Eventually, I decided to put a plan into action. Well, not so much a plan as a really overcharged desire to find my younger sibling. As soon as the final school bell rang that day, I raced out the gates and made my way to the nearest telephone booth. Risking a horde of paper cuts from the thin pages of the telephone directory located inside the booth, I flipped page after page until I found what I was looking for. Unfortunately, fate wasn't so kind to me: there were at least ten different Minamoto families living in Tokyo. Any one of them could be the one I was looking for. The time was right to employ a little logic to the madness. From what my grandmother had told me, my paternal family was obviously very well off, and judging by the addresses in the directory, there was only one Minamoto family that lived in a plush suburb. My breath increased into rapid clouds, synching perfectly with the rapid tattoo of my heartbeat. This was where he was, I could feel it. I was on my way to the city of Tama, and one step closer to discovering my other half.

"Damn it, why am I so nervous?" Koji's frustrated tone snapped me out of my melancholic reverie. I lifted my head slowly to meet his eyes, masking the wounds he heedlessly placed on me. "It's your wedding day little brother, of course you're nervous," I said quietly. He clasped his fingers together nervously. "But it's not supposed to be like this."

"Well, it's good to know that even the mighty Koji Minamoto feels anxious from time to time." He turned his head sharply at my mocking banter and pulled his lips into a sulking pout. How I wished I could adoringly trace my tongue against those blossoms. I must be pretty sick to think of my own brother in this kind of way. When I first discovered how I felt towards Koji, I used to scratch myself to prevent these kinds of incestuous thoughts. Over time, I just came to accept the fact that I'm sick pervert of a monster who isn't even worthy of being called a human being. I just can't help the way he makes me feel inside. He takes me to heaven, hell and everywhere in between, and I love it. As I watched him turn back to his reflection in the mirror, I wanted to scream out that this would be the biggest mistake in his life. I wanted to tell him that I could love him more than anyone else ever could, that I would move mountains just to have him by my side. But I can't. He's happy with his beloved, and I'll be damned if I let myself ruin that for him. So for now, I'll ignore the gaping cavern that's steadily growing inside of me. I'll swallow my pain and be happy for him, even though he's killing me with each passing second. I'll willingly die so that he can live.

**Okay guys, so that's chapter one. Please tell me what you thought, as I'd really appreciate your feedback. Just so you know, there will be a chapter two depending on how the response to this is. Thank you for reading! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Knave Of Hearts **

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Digimon Frontier or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Special thanks to **Knightales**, **Immortal Fallen Radiance** and **thewaterfiredrummer** Here is chapter two, please review!

'**Don't ever look too deeply into my eyes, or listen too closely to what I say – they'll surely betray the secret I'm burdened to carry.'**

Monotonous silver clouds eclipsed the sun's light as they rolled across the vast plains of the sky. I focused my eyes closely against the limousine's tinted windows and noticed a fine drizzle spraying across it. Mom always used to say it was a blessing from the heavens. Well, today it's just one more nail in my coffin. I curled my hand into a quivering fist and prayed for some unknown force to take my life away now. I smiled bitterly at the irony of my death wish. I'm dead already. Gently kneading my knuckles into finely woven cotton of my pants, I rebuked myself for my recent sense of scathing cynicism. It's not as refined as Koji's because I've never been that kind of person, but it's become the only way I can survive without falling apart so completely. And today, I need it more than ever.

I turned my head and caught a hasty glimpse of Koji boring a hole into the window on the other side with his intense stare. "Why did Dad have to make such a big deal out of this?" I frowned at his enquiry. "Because his son is getting married, that's why." He let out a frustrated sigh. "Yeah, but in between this limo, the fancy church and the honeymoon in Hawaii; it's just all becoming too much."

"Are you complaining?"

"Yes!" He twiddled his thumbs as he contemplated my question again. "No. Maybe, I don't know." He turned around and looked out of the window again. "It just feels like..."

"Like he's pressuring you again?" I caught onto his smirk from the vague reflection in the window. "And another point for proving ESP between twins." Ignoring his snide remark, I cautiously pressed on with the issue. "Koji, look at me." After a few moments of hesitation, he slowly turned his head to face me. His expression was blank, but I saw the undertone of worry in those deep blue eyes of his. It's absolute murder for me to see him in any kind of pain, no matter how small. Even though I want to be so much more with him, I'm his big brother. According to the unwritten laws of familial relationships, it's my job to protect him; and I'll do that even after my last breath. "You love Yue, and she loves you. That's all that matters."

"But he-"

"He's not a part of this." The smirk returned to his face, albeit without its cloaked sarcasm. "What with I do without you?" he asked softly.

"Suffer endlessly no doubt." He gave a small chuckle before returning to his post at the window. "It's raining" he stated distantly. I rolled my eyes exasperatedly. "Thank you Captain Obvious."

"No, I mean it reminds me of how we met."

I flinched inwardly at his uncharacteristically warm statement. It wasn't a stretch of a truth to say we met on that particular day Koji recalled. But it was only a small fraction of the entire truth, a truth which remained hidden from my twin brother. What he was blissfully unaware of was that I'd been stealthily stalking him for weeks before that. After I'd unceremoniously obtained his then address from that telephone booth, I'd kept it close to me like some ancient treasure I'd discovered. Back then in my childish naivety, this transformed into something more than fulfilling a dying woman's wish. This was my opportunity to connect back to where I'd come from, and hopefully an opportunity to fill the nagging void I'd felt as far back as I could remember. I knew that Koji and my father would be rolling in money, but I wasn't really interested in that. I just needed to meet him, and piece together our shattered past with him.

That same weekend I'd gotten his address, I had taken my first of the many trips I'd make to Tama. The morning of that day was a blur. All I remembered was the gentle buzz of conversation in the train, soon followed by the eerie stillness of the air as I walked over to the Minamoto residence. All the while my heart thumped unrelentingly against my chest, and refused to stop even for a second. Dozens of questions set fire to my mind in a giddy electric buzz. What would this Koji guy be like? The same as me; or perhaps different? I had to know. Stopping bang in front of the right address, my breath quickened as I turned to face the house. It was modest by Dad's present standards, but still managed to outclass my measly palace a hundred times over. A peach-kissed double story home with a quaint little porch, ideal for those perfect family portraits. Neatly trimmed lawns sprawled in front of the house, and the entire property was surrounded by that quintessential American stereotype of a white picket fence. A wooden dog kennel was in one of the corners of the yard, right behind the double garage containing two glossy Toyotas. Immediately, reality took a cruel turn and slapped me in the face. He had it all: family and wealth. Was I really expecting him to listen to a poor street rat like myself? I felt like the world's biggest idiot. There was no chance he'd hear out my story. Cursing myself for being so gullible to my imagination, I readied myself to leave. After all, I couldn't give him anything more than what he already had.

As I turned to leave, I noticed the door open gradually. From what I could see, there were three distinct figures in the faint light of the entrance hall – a man, a woman and what looked like a boy carrying some sort of rope. With a heavy surge of adrenaline coursing through my veins, my eyes darted around for a place to hide before spotting a nearby bush. Practically leaping behind it for fear of being caught, I waited. This wasn't exactly how I planned it out in my head, but I was too excited to be irritated with myself. After a few maddeningly slow minutes in which I was sure I was having a heart attack, they came. My eyes snapped restlessly onto my father first. The thing that took me by surprise was how ordinary he was. Obsessing about him always made me think that he'd have some physical attribute that set him apart from everyone else, but he just seemed to blend in with the crowd. In the diffused cloud of teal leaves, I could make out that I inherited his nose and exact shade of ebony hair. Everything else must have come from Mom, or some recessive trait in our gene pool. My somewhat disappointment of a father was followed by a frail wisp of a woman. Her sandy hair fell on either side of her face, accentuating the thin line of her troubled mouth. Her glasses magnified the look of despair emanating deep from within her eyes. She walked over to Dad, barely coming up to his shoulder. Whoever this woman was, it didn't take a genius to figure out that she'd been distressed somehow. Finally, half a minute later, three months of waiting and confusion paid off. My brother strolled over to the other two with a leash that was connected to a gamboling Alsatian. In the instant I saw him, the world of logic and order stopped completely in its orbit. To say it was like looking into a mirror did not do justice to that moment. He was so like me, and yet so different. Our separate paths in life had already begun to etch their marks onto us. Whereas I was thin and lanky, he was more defined and sleek. His expensive clothing wordlessly communicated his upper class status when compared to me, and his glisteningly beautiful hair was pulled tightly into a ponytail; with a bandana covering wrapped around his head. I was right not approach him immediately. A mere beggar has no right to insult a prince by giving him something he already has. As I watched them turn and leave, my consuming fascination with this enigma called my twin hit a new maximum. The beginning of a perpetual thought had sprouted ethereally in the entropic lunacy of my mind, and to this day has never swayed in its continuity: "my other self."

"We're here." Koji's gentle tug at my arm pulled me back into the crushing reality of what was about to happen. Of all the things I've had to see and do in my life, this is the hardest. There are many things I would do for my younger sibling – I would gladly take my own life if it were to make him happy. But to see him betroth himself to Yue and give the rest of his life to her… this is the one thing that is beyond my abilities. Just to even think of him starting a life with her sets off waves of torment inside of me. Yet, what is the suffering of one compared to the joy of many? Yue makes Koji happy in ways I'll never be able to. She has the possibilities I can only dream about. She lights up those startlingly azure eyes, whereas I tend to mellow them out. Stepping out of the warm comfort of the limousine and into the chilly bite of the outside world, I hoped to some divine presence that Yue realized how lucky she was. Now, my time has come to fade silently into the background of Koji's world. I will always be there for him, supporting him every moment of his life; and he will go on in idyllic unawareness that my heart and soul are so deeply steeped in him that I'll never be able to escape.

The faded white façade of the church seamlessly fitted in with the sky's dull grey. From what I heard, the inside could seat about two hundred people, even though the guest list amounted to less than fifty. Blooming cherry blossom trees lined either side of the holy building, breaking up the monochrome feel of it all. The pale green of the manicured lawns rolled from the main building all the way to the side of the road. It was a shocker to everyone that the happy couple opted for a white Western wedding than a traditional Shinto one, but I wasn't the least bit surprised. Koji was always the confident rebel who challenged every single norm people took for granted. One thing I always admired about him was ability to blaze his own trail in life, away from the rest of 'mindless sheep' as he so often put it. His desire to be so radically different from everyone else inspired both awe and fear in me. Koji was the kind of person who poured his very being into whatever he did, never completing it halfheartedly. He possessed a raw intensity that resonated from deep within him, becoming one of fundamental characteristics. No, my brother wasn't someone who did something by halves. My twin stood beside me, and watched the tranquil scenery of the church through the vacant mask he called a face. His expression betrayed nothing as to how he felt right now. It often astounded me as to how someone so frighteningly perceptive couldn't see what was right in front of him, but it was just as well. My secret must remain exactly that, and can never be fulfilled. It's bad enough that I'm hopelessly in love with someone that can never love me back, but the fact that it's my brother brings up a perturbing disgust within me. My own flesh and blood is the object of my affection – how sick is that?

I followed Koji along the tidy stone path up to the entrance of the church, being extremely careful not to catch up to his self-assured pace. My eyes were firmly fixed to the pebbly path beneath my feet in a failing attempt to distract myself with the stony tedium. As we walked, each crunch of the stones seemed to cruelly echo with my shattering heart. This was really happening – my Koji was really going to get married. "Koichi?" The pregnant silence indicated that Koji stopped walking. His firm, but tender voice ripped through me like a dagger. My legs stopped of their own accord, and started to buckle. Right now, all I wanted to do was collapse. With my gaze still attached to the ground, I heard him take a few steps closer towards me. Are you OK?" His hand lay on my shoulder in concern. A bitter smile curled upon my lips. Oh, the unkind irony of this moment. How the hell am I supposed to answer him? "I'm fine" I replied quietly. Against the alarm bells in my mind, I finally lifted my head to meet his eyes. Sitting behind all that icy beauty was genuine worry. It shouldn't be there. Not today at least. "I'm great Koji." He wasn't convinced. "Are you sure? You seem…"

"I seem what?"

"Distant." He uttered the word without a trace of hesitation. I had to give him credit for his straightforwardness. I gave a small exhalation before going on the aversion offensive. "You're an idiot, you know that?"

"Maybe," he said, with that rogue grin returning yet again. "But I'll always be your idiot." We both laughed. "You'd better enjoy your last few minutes of bachelorhood," I said with smile that belied the dark void inside of me. "In about two hours, you'll officially be Mr. Yue Narutaki." His grip around my shoulder tightened slightly. "Hey, I change for no one."

"Not even for the woman you love?"

"Isn't the fact that I never change the reason she loves me?" I shook my head in mock disappointment. "We'd better get inside. Yue would kill me if I let you catch a cold during your wedding." He gave another soft laugh as we both took the last few steps into the church, this time in line with each other. My little brother… the glorious pain you cause me. It hurts too good.

My ears picked up on a small buzzing sound crackling through the nippy atmosphere as we reached the church's entrance. I turned my head to the side to see Koji's hands fiddle around in his pockets, before pulling out his cell phone. He cocked his head slightly at the sight of the flashing screen. "I've got to get this" he murmured indistinctly, walking back onto the path of pebbles. Taking one final glance at my little brother, I wondered which idiot would be stupid enough to trouble him on his wedding day. With a small breath of bewilderment, I walked past the inviting wooden doors into the interior. Like the outside, it was charming in its old world elegance. A deep scarlet carpet divided the room into two, with about ten long pews on either side. A few guests had arrived early, and took their places in the first couple of rows. Greeting them with a warm smile, I continued to walk onwards. Way out in front was the altar, with an opulent marble cross hanging on the wall. I let out a surprised whistle. Koji was right; Dad really did go all out. "Koichi, over here!" A nauseatingly shrill voice rang piercingly through the church. I reluctantly turned my head to see Satomi waving enthusiastically from the front. Next to her was Mom, wearing a look of saturated exasperation. I should have known better than to leave those two alone. When Satomi gets nervous, as she usually does around Mom, there is no limit to the number of words that come out of her mouth. Resisting the temptation to laugh, I quickly strode my way over to them. Mom wrapped her arms around me tightly and planted a small kiss on my cheek. Not wanting to be awkward, Satomi did the same, except added the benefit of smudging some of her lipstick off of my other cheek. With a small yelp, her hand dove right into her purse and pulled out a tissue. "I'm so sorry!" she spluttered, vigorously rubbing the two-ply paper against my skin. "You know, your father told me not to buy that brand of lipstick, but I couldn't help it! It was so suited to that red kimono I had for New Year's, I absolutely could not resist, and now your cheek is ruined on your brother's wedding day, and now I've gone and-"

"Satomi, it's fine" I said, fearing that she may pass out if she didn't take a breath. She withdrew her hand from my cheek and let her features go lax. "I'm doing it again, aren't I?"

"Satomi, why don't you go and check on the guests?" asked Mom politely, diffusing the ineptness of the moment before it started. Satomi nodded briefly, and quickly took off to the next pew. My attention turned to Mom with a mischievous smirk. "Having fun with stepmother dearest?" I asked innocently. She threw me a wry grimace. "Absolutely. So far, I've heard her entire medical history up until age ten."

"She means well."

"I know, I know" sighed Mom. "I just wish she'd stop trying so hard." She sat down next on the pew and looked up at me with a wistful smile. "Can you believe this is happening?" I sat down next to her and gave a smile of my own. "Of course not. This is Koji we're talking about, the lone wolf." Her smile grew, before dropping her gaze to the carpeted floor. "Your grandmother would be so happy to be here."

"She is here Mom" I whispered, pulling her into a loose embrace. I felt her shudder slightly in my slack grip. No doubt a few tears of maternal nostalgia dropped from those eyes I inherited. "Oh, look at me," she sniffled, wiping under her eyes. "Want me to ask Satomi for a tissue?" I teased playfully. Her irritation was more concentrated this time around, with a small slap on my thigh. "Don't even joke about that. Now, where's your father?"

"You mean he hasn't showed up yet?" My mother shook her head. "He always does this."

"Mom, not today. Please" I begged quietly. Today was Koji's day, and I wasn't about to let my father's lack of presence and support ruin that. Mom rolled her eyes. "Where's Koji?"

"Outside, taking a phone call. No rest for the work addict."

"Well, get him inside. It's no use having a wedding without the groom."

Quickly cutting my way through the church, and skillfully avoiding Satomi, I strode outside. I saw Koji stand unflinchingly still in the cold. His shoulders were hunched slightly, and his body heaved in synch with his breathing. Something was wrong, I could feel it. I ran up to him, ignoring the air's frigid swipe at my body. Laying a hand on his shoulder, I turned him around to face me. His face was completely devastated. I looked into those dark cerulean eyes and saw a wave of heartbreak wash over him. This wasn't him – this person wasn't my brother. He was too destroyed to be. "Koji" I whispered, desperate to snap him out of this reverie of pain. "Koji, what's wrong?" His lips parted slightly at my question. He wanted to answer, but the words seemed to maliciously lodge themselves in his throat. After an eternity passed us, my other self finally spoke to me. His words were so damaged; I had to strain to hear them over the light howl of the wind. "She's not coming."

**Hope you liked chapter 2 Please review, I'd really like to know what you think.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Broken Glass**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Digimon Frontier or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** A huge thank you goes out to all the reviewers and alert adders for chapter 2, you guys rock! Here's chapter 3, I hope you like it!

'**I will go to the ends of the earth and back just to see you smile.'**

The dull grey of the heavens turned a shade darker as they let loose a barrage of faint water droplets from their lofty hold. The icy bite of the air cut through the thin fabric of my suit, but I couldn't have cared less. My eyes frantically searched Koji's vacant mask of desolation over and over again in the vague hope that some logical reason would appear and account for the sudden flip. In all thirteen years of knowing my brother, it was amazing that it only took one fifteen minute phone conversation to bring him to his knees like this. My unabashed concern broke free. "Not coming? What do you mean she's not coming?" His silence was killing me. I had to know what went so horribly wrong so that I could fix this… so that I could fix him. I wanted to see that aloof smirk twist around his lips again, I needed it. "Damn it Koji, answer me!" I cried, slapping my hands forcefully down on his shoulders. Looking into his eyes, I immediately regretted my brusqueness. The blue of his irises shimmered with an unimaginable pain. His mouth hung open slightly for several moments before giving me a response, as if he was remembering how to speak. "She… she said she couldn't go through with it." My eyes narrowed as I tried to process what he was saying. "Couldn't go through with the wedding?" He nodded blankly. This wasn't making any sense at all. What the hell came over Yue, and why did she have to wait until TODAY to spring it on Koji? Already, a numb fury rumbled from deep within me. How dare she hurt him like this! "Koichi?" Koji's hoarse murmur disrupted my irate musings. My eyes lifted to meet those tormented windows again, but this time my breath disappeared completely. Even in utter grief, his beauty was hard to miss. "I'm cold" he mumbled, taking a step towards me. At his words, the big brother in me took over. Taking him by the hand, I led him in a quick march across the pebble-strewn trail back towards the limousine, praying that this would somehow right itself.

A few minutes later, we entered the comforting warmth of the luxury vehicle. Usually, I consider Dad's freehanded management of money far too liberal for my taste, but this time I was grateful for the opulent splurge. Any other surrounding wouldn't have given the privacy needed for the ice man sitting next to me to open up emotionally. I kept my mouth shut and waited for him to make the first move. Despite my urge to interrogate him with a million questions, I didn't want to push him. He was in a fragile state of mind right now – any form of pressure could break him beyond return. I watched him with hawk-like eyes as he dropped his head, taking in every detail of his utter despondency. His posture went lax, and he gave into the leather embrace of the seat. He smiled sadly at the floor. "Was it my fault?" he asked quietly. "Did I force her into something she didn't want?"

"Of course not. She loves you." I had to coerce myself into saying those last three words. If Yue really did love Koji, she wouldn't have done this to him. He shook his head. "She said…" He took a shaky breath in to calm himself. "She said she couldn't handle it anymore. It was going too fast." I maneuvered myself closer to him across the yielding expanse of the seat. "What was?" I asked gently. "Me. Our relationship. Just everything." I laid my hand on his and gave it a small squeeze. That was all it took for him to break: he turned around and shoved his head into my chest. A myriad of muffled sobs escaped from him as his salty tears stained my shirt. This was such a far cry from the Koji I was used to. The typical stubborn confidence and aloofness had given way to a bottomless melancholy. I was taken aback at the sudden transformation, but my shock would have to wait for later. My little brother was in pain, and I had to be the one to end it. I placed my hand right under his elegant ponytail and stroked my thumb across the silken strands of sleek ebony hair. I don't know how long we stayed like that, but I kept silent and let his stifled moans flow through my ears. Every so often a violent shudder would accompany his weeping, but I held on to his body and comforted him as best I could. After what seemed like forever, he lifted his head from my torso. The faint red veins in his eyes ruined those dark icy irises. "Koichi," he whispered thickly, "how did this happen?"

"It'll be alright Koji, I promise" I said softly, rubbing small circles into his back. He shifted his gaze sideways. "I loved her so much."

"You still do." His eyes moved back onto me. Never had I seen such a raw, open need in them. They radiated a smothering need for numbness, for this torturous pain to evaporate. They begged me for it all to end. "Take me home" he murmured. "Please." I nodded and gently lifted his body off of me. Moving to the door, I took one last look at him. He stared back, his face completely devoid of the earlier bliss he'd shown. "It'll be OK little brother" I told him. "This won't last forever." The empty watch that answered my statement told me that the magnitude of heartbreak he felt overrode my attempted assurance. He wasn't convinced that this would pass, and truth be told, neither was I. What if this was just too big for him to be the same again?

During yet another brisk walk in the frigid air, a disturbing thought popped into my head: what if this entire scenario was my fault? It maybe silly, but karma may have slapped me across the face for my forbidden yearning. Maybe I wanted Koji so much that the universe punished me by granting my wish – except at his expense. No matter how many times I've tried to rid myself of these thoughts, they always seem to come back like some wanton boomerang, and today it really hit me in the head. Yes, the love I have for my brother goes beyond simple sibling affection, and yes, I want nothing more for us to be together but not like this. No matter how hurt he is now, Yue is still his one and only. I can't allow myself to take advantage of this… not when he's so damaged. Perhaps this is the time to let go: God knows I'll be better off rather than nursing some sick, twisted fantasy in my head. I love Koji so much… too much, and it's leaving scars all over me, and now that punishment is beginning to transfer to him. Letting go – this will be the final act of my love.

Stepping onto the crushed vermillion carpet, me eyes immediately sought out Mom and Satomi. With a strong sense of urgency pounding in my every step, I strode towards the front pew. They were involved in some deep conversation, or at least Satomi was trying to make a conversation. Mom appeared to be barely tolerating her one-sided verbosity, so my timely appearance was a godsend to her. "Koichi, there you are" she smiled, the relief cracking unashamedly across her face. "Where is your brother?"

"He's not coming." Satomi's eyes arranged themselves into perfect spheres. "Not coming? What do you mean? We spent a fortune on this wedding! I mean the church alone was like buying a house-"

"Koichi," interrupted Mom with a consternated frown, "what's wrong?" Damn these stupid questions. Every minute I'm in here, Koji's sitting in the limo blaming himself for the marriage that ended before it started. There was no telling how far down he would sink into an isolating depression. "Look, I'll explain later OK? Just tell all the guests to go home. There isn't going to be a wedding today."

"Why?" piped up Satomi. "Would tomorrow suit them better?" I threw her a dark stare. Seriously, what was wrong with this woman? "OK, let's rephrase that. There isn't going to be a wedding. Period." Finally, the thought sunk into her. She pulled her mouth into that classic O of understanding, but immediately erased it with a thoughtful frown. "Does this mean the honeymoon's off too?"

"Mom" I sighed exasperatedly. My mother dutifully nodded. "We'll take care of things here. Go be with your brother." As I cut a beeline for the door, I heard Satomi's voice utter one final enquiry: "I told Kousei not to go with Hawaii, but does he ever listen to me? No, he just goes and does whatever the hell he wants!"

To say describe the ride home as 'tense' would be an understatement. Koji had done another drastic metamorphosis, this time becoming completely unresponsive. Like the ride to the church, he spent the entire time gazing outside the window, albeit without the bold hope this time. As for me, my palms were chafed raw from rubbing them together. It was totally selfish of me to think this, but this entire thing had affected me too, and not just because I felt that my brother needed me now. When Koji first announced that he was engaged to Yue, I felt a storm unleash inside of me. Each night since then, I would stare at the ceiling in my bed, torn between waves of sadness and jealousy. On one hand, I was happy for him, because this marked a new chapter in his life. He would settle down into the role of a doting husband, and eventually the caring father; and that would be great, it really would. But with light must come darkness, and my circumstance was no exception. I would silently fade into nothingness because the only person I've ever fallen in love with left me behind to pick up the pieces of my life, and that was the killer. I've broken my head over this conundrum so many times; I think I deserve a PhD in psychology for my 'research' into the dark perversions of romantic homosexual incest. But given current happenings, what do I do now? It's so difficult to say goodbye to that person who you've completely given yourself to, even if they don't know it. I've fallen so hard for Koji, he's become more important to me than the air I breathe – he's the essence that makes my life worth living. If I end my feelings for him once and for all, where would it leave me? I stole a glance at the silent wolf sitting an arm's length away from me. Such utter devastation, but such glorious beauty at the same time. With every passing second, he became just that more shattered, but just that more angelic. The illicit roar of my quixotic fantasies answered my question. I can't go on living like this. It isn't fair to either one of us for me to sit there and pretend that everything's fine when my heart in fracturing in agonistic degrees. I don't have to be honest with him, I never can. He'd end up hating me, and that was a fate worse than death to me. The only thing I can do is move on from whatever this is and pray to God that it never comes back. My dear sweet brother… my life, my death, my everything. I will walk in darkness, if he's sure to walk in light. Now, it's up to me to find myself again in the hopes that my struggle ends, even if that means giving up the love of my life.

After about thirty minutes of unvoiced soul searching, we entered the stilled atmosphere of Koji's apartment. My eyes did a quick scan of the modern furnishings and I felt a cold shiver run through me. Without Yue here, the airy layout exuded a lonely echo. She was always the one who encouraged Koji to brighten up the place with some flowers or at least something red to shake up the steely whites and blues. Now, all of that would just bring up empty memories for him. Watching Koji delicately place himself on the ebony leather couch, I remembered when Yue first moved in here. Dad practically had a nervous breakdown for fear of the family name being dragged into disrepute. "What would people think of them living together before marriage?" he would ask every time I spoke to him. I guess he was worried that his future daughter-in-law would actually turn out to be a gold-digging seductress who wanted to get her talons on his accrued wealth. Well, either that or he was worried about having a bastard grandchild, but in any case he freaked out big time. Mom also protested against the idea, but her reasons were different. She knew that Koji inherited Dad's workaholic tendencies, and she didn't want to see her younger son take the same path in a relationship as she had done with her husband all those years ago. Despite their vehement misgivings, Koji didn't budge an inch. He loved Yue, and nothing was going to stop him from being with her. Now, the poor man's probably wondering whether it was right of him to place so much trust in one person. As I cautiously walked over to him, an electrifying surge of sympathy for him rushed through me. There was no way I could know what he was going through. "Want me to stay over?" I asked softly, sitting next to him on the couch. He vaguely acknowledged my presence with a peripheral glance before staring at the blurred reflection in the flat screen TV in front of us. "Why would you?" he replied slowly. My gaze continued to behold his impassive magnificence. "Because I care for you."

"Your being here won't change what happened" he stated blankly, his eyes fixed at his unclear image. "And it won't make me feel any better." There it was; the rebellious defense of segregation. I dropped my gaze to the floor. "I'm sorry" I apologized quietly. We sat there in silence for a few minutes before he turned to face me. "Thank you" he whispered. I looked up. "For what?"

"For caring." I gave him a small smile, which he returned after a slight delay. "Go home Koichi. I'll be fine."

"Look Koji-"

"This isn't your mess to deal with." I frowned. "Maybe not, but that doesn't mean you should go through it alone. I'm here for you." That sad smile returned to his face with a heartrending pathos. "You always are, aren't you?" I stared at him deeply, my eyes brazenly etching his every detail into my mind. I silently scolded myself for these thoughts surfacing in me again. Koji needs me as a BROTHER, nothing more. "Koji, be honest. Do you really want me to leave?" He considered my question carefully before replying. "Yes." I sighed at my twin's stubbornness, and stood up. "Promise me that you'll call if you need anything."

"I won't, but whatever." Shaking my head, I turned around and headed for the door. When the cool metal of the door handle chilled my fingertips, my head spun around of its own accord to look at him before I left. My angel was so broken, maybe even beyond repair. Biting my lip, I walked out into Tokyo's unforgiving cold and prayed that this hell would somehow right itself.

"So how was the wedding?" I took one final shot of the blonde goddess in front of me before handing the camera over to my assistant. "Reload please." I turned to face the supermodel again. "Alright Alex, take five." She bounced on her heels excitedly and covered up the divine statue of her body with a silken nightgown. I smilingly shook my head. In a way, I'm glad my dream of becoming a doctor got highly detoured into the world of photography. There's just something about ensnaring the essence of the moment in front of you and permanently documenting it in film that can't be replaced with any other experience in the world. As a photographer, I can simultaneously be a part of that split second in time, and yet be detached from it all. The beautiful irony of it all just did it for me, much more than the clinical ambiance of sterilized scalpels and all that other medical junk ever could. I'm proud to say I've been an avid member of this worldwide group of observant hippies since age sixteen, and I don't intend to stop anytime soon.

I expectantly raised my eyebrow as Alex came up to me with a huge grin plastered to her face. "I want details Kimura."

"I have a first name."

"But your last one is so pretty. Kimura, Kimura, and wait for it… Kimura!" she sang. Rolling my eyes, I wondered how on earth this eccentric loveliness came into my life, let alone becoming my closest friend. Alex was a transfer student from Los Angeles, who came to Tokyo to study Japanese art at the same art institute where I studied photography. After meeting through one of the inter-faculty group projects, I decided to show her around the city. It was a hopeless case of love at first sight for her, and she decided to make Japan her new home. To support herself, she became a model for _TokyoPop_ magazine, instantly capturing the eyes, hearts and erections of men across the country with her startling green eyes, bronze hued skin and lusciously golden hair. Known by her working name, 'the American Idol', she became a staple of the magazine's centerfold spread and increased her star power by endorsing various products for companies like Nintendo and the Japanese branch of Nike. When I first came to work for _TokyoPop_, Alex was the first assignment I ever received. With such an overwhelming response to our creative efforts, the editors decided to pair me up with her every time she graced the magazine with her presence. "So, how was it? Was Yue stunning? Where there tears, did you cry?" I laughed softly. "Actually, there wasn't a wedding." Her mouth dropped to the floor. "Shut up! How come?" I contemplated my answer carefully before speaking. More than anything, this was Koji's business and I didn't want to broadcast his heartbreak to the entire world. But then again, Alex was a good friend, and I would feel bad for lying to her. "Yue stood him up." The repeated clapping of her hands deafened my ears. "Oh God, this is like something out of _Grey's Anatomy_!Speaking of which, you need to lend me your season four DVDs. But oh my God, why would she do that?"

"I don't know."

"How's Koji taking it?"

"The usual way: isolating the ones who care about him. I wish he wasn't so stubborn." Her face fell into a serious expression that was extremely uncharacteristic of her. "He must be devastated."

"Tell me about it." I felt a strong buzz in my pocket, and after a considerable amount of fishing amongst my keys and secret stash of bubblegum, I pulled out my cell phone. Dad's number flashed repeatedly across the screen. He probably wanted to know about yesterday's happenings, not that he bothered showing up anyways. "I have to get this" I whispered to Alex, and walked off into a quiet corner of the spacious studio. Hesitating slightly, I let my thumb press down on the answer key. "Hey Dad."

"Koichi, thank God." His voice sounded alarmingly urgent, as if he was almost on the verge of tears. Even though he can be overly neurotic, I have yet to see my father cry. This must be pretty bad for him to call me in such a troubled state. "Dad, are you OK?"

"Come to the hospital quick. Koji's in trouble."

**Uh oh… sounds like trouble. So I hoped you guys like this chapter Please indulge me and leave a review, pretty pretty please…**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Koji's Journal – Part I**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Digimon Frontier or any of the characters.

_14__th__ October 1998_

_Thank God for kyudo. Honestly, if it weren't for shooting those arrows, I'd probably be in hospital with an aneurism or something. Sensei came up with a new compliment today – he said he'd never seen anyone who surrendered so completely to the call of the bow. I don't see it that way, because I shouldn't have to. Kyudo isn't about good or bad, it's about discipline. You have to train yourself to become one with your target. See nothing else, hear nothing else – just be. Breathe in, and let go; and as your arrow flies, know that it won't matter whether you hit your target or not, because you are not defined by your success or your failure. Now if only my life were that simple, I'd be pretty damn stoked._

_There was just something about today that I can't explain. Ever since I woke up, there's been this nagging voice inside my head telling me to go back to sleep. I should have listened to it, it would have been better for everyone including me. Dad and I had another fight today, but that was to be expected. According to him, I'm too cold and distant from Satomi. Basically, three hours of screaming myself hoarse boiled down to the fact that I can't accept the woman as my mother. Well, firstly she isn't, and Dad won't understand that no matter what I say. But what they don't get is that I just don't want her to be all motherly with me. I've done fine without a mom for most of my life, so why start needing one now? I'm not about to sit and pretend to be some stepmother's little angel when I'm perfectly capable of living my life as an independent person. However, Satomi's just one part of the problem. Dad also got into me about my apparent lack of direction in life. "Koji, when I was your age, I already knew what I wanted to be. Why can't you take charge of your life? You just don't seem interested at all!" Yeah, whatever. I'd bet when he was thirteen, he was sneaking into pink movie theatres to get a woodie from all that action. Daddy's little prince – what a role to play. Who wouldn't want to give up their identity to be a carbon copy of thirty year old dimwit who's living vicariously through his son? Sometimes, I wish I could swap lives with someone else. I don't know how long I can keep this up – trying to please my father is killing me on the inside. Every time I look in the mirror I see the boy who allowed himself to be clay in the hands of a father who was too weak to accomplish anything in his own prime. Every day a little part of me dies because I'm living someone else's dream… and that my life is just someone else's fantasy, not my own reality. Pretty weird for a thirteen year old to be thinking like this huh? Guess that means I'm pretty messed up, but I don't care. It's the only feeling I have deep inside of me, and it's the only thing I know. It's the only way I can live without shattering into a million tiny pieces, and then have Dad and Satomi swarm over me like some helpless baby. And it's the only way my 'perfect' world can carry on existing without anyone else getting hurt the way I have. _

_On a lighter note, I'm extremely flattered and slightly disturbed to say I have a stalker. Yes, Koji Minamoto has hit it big time! There's this kid who keeps following me sometimes after school and on weekends. I didn't notice him at first, not until he started following me around from the kyudo temple to the convenience store around the corner. He's kind of generic: faded clothes, baseball cap; nothing too distinctive. There's something about him that I can't put my finger on, like he's in some kind of pain. I caught a glimpse of his eyes once. In the second before he turned away, I saw this deep anguish. He must have seen so many terrible things for it to show up so readily in his eyes. But at the same time, I saw this little flicker of hope… like I give him a reason to go on somehow. Whoever he is, he's the first person in long while that's really made such a striking impression on me. Maybe it's because our lives aren't that different. After all, life hands out pain equally without discrimination – he could be the one person on earth who really gets me._

**Note: Kyudo is the Japanese form of archery and is synonymous with a quiet grace and dignity. Like other forms of martial arts, it is practiced with a teacher, but there are no competitions or rankings as this goes against the fundamental practices.**

**A pink movie is a Japanese softcore porno film. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Kiss In The Dark**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Digimon Frontier or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** I thought I'd spoil you guys and give you a double whammy this time around Hope you guys like these two chapters. As always, you'd be me a HUGE favor by giving me a review so please do keep them coming in, they save my life. No really, they do… Anyway enjoy!

'**Mock me, hit me, or even kill me if you want to. Just don't leave me alone.'**

With each passing second my heart thumped more and more wildly against my chest, smashing its rapid beat against my chest. I could practically feel the adrenaline surge its way throughout my body, placing every square inch of flesh and bone on high alert. I couldn't see or hear anything else – not the foolish pedestrians I nearly hit nor the other vehicles I all but collided into. Ignoring the shouts and curses streaming through the windows, I pressed my foot down on the accelerator and sped through the roads like a demon to the hospital. The atrocious state of my driving was the last thing on my mind: Koji was the only thought that resonated solemnly through it. Dad didn't exactly give details as to why my beloved twin landed up in the hospital, but I didn't need any. That distressed tremble in his voice had said it all, something terrible had happened. A cold spasm sent my spine into a perfectly vertical spine as a dark contemplation grabbed my head. There was a very real possibility that Koji could have done this on purpose. Despite all his fiercely cold independence, the man I had seen yesterday was a completely shattered version of the one I was used to. He could have sunk so far in his misery that it may have driven him to suicide. "You don't know that" chimed a small voice in my head. "Maybe this was some accident." An accident on the day after he broke down completely? It was too much of a coincidence. As I pulled into the hospital parking lot, I felt the salty sting of my tears cloud over my eyes. "Please dear God" I prayed silently. "Let him be alright." My heaven-sent plea did little to assuage the crushing anxiety slowly possessing me. If Koji really wanted to take his own life, it could be too late. With a helpless cry, I slammed my hands down on the steering wheel in abandoned frustration. I'm just a man trying to save the person I love more than my own life. I can move mountains if I have to, but I'm not God. I can't rescue something that's chosen to destroy itself, no matter how precious to me because at the end of the day, it's what they want – and I am always bound to grant them that, even if it means the end of them… and me.

As I got out of the car, I went into autopilot. Where my mind had failed me so completely, the intrinsic devotion I felt for my brother flowed like blood through me, ordering my body to obey its sentimental whim. Each uneven step lead to the next, gradually breaking out into a breathless run. The wind ruffled carelessly through my dark locks, its chill slapping my face red. My head became a giant blank canvas, stained by the gripping urgency mounting inside of me. Any rationality I had gone flying out the window – I was now a slave to the dark emotions swirling in my heart. If it weren't under such dire circumstances, I would have been fascinated by this esoteric experience. I could see myself heading towards the reception entrance, but I couldn't stop myself. In that one moment, I understood what it meant to be human. To surrender yourself to your basic instincts when higher order logic becomes redundant, that isn't primal bestiality, its survival. In this time of grief, I couldn't give myself the time to feel the weight of this hurt in its raw state. I would be destroyed, and I'm guessing so would anyone else in my situation. All I could do for myself, all I could do for Koji, was to stave off this miasma of worry for as long as possible and numb my mind from any emotion at all. Now was not the time to break down and feel, or else I would be driven mad. The better half of me is in that hospital, and he needs me more than ever. I will fight this for him, hell I would give anything to be there fighting for my own life instead of him. "Just please don't take him away from me" I thought, my tears now making their saline path down my cheek. "I love him."

As if by magic, I materialized out of thin air in front of the bewildered receptionist. My lungs heaved intensely to grasp every bit of oxygen out of the surrounding air. I took a minute to calm myself before turning to the politely surprised woman in front of me. She must have seen the nervous energy crackle in my eyes because her smile softened sympathetically a moment later. "Koji Minamoto" I gasped tensely. "What room is he in?"

"Are you family sir?"

"Yes, I'm his brother." With a courteous nod, she swiveled her chair to the computer next to her and let her fingers fly adeptly over the keyboard. Her eyes narrowed slightly to read the fine text off of the monitor. "Fourth floor, room A6" she said slowly. "Thank you." Turning on my heel, I scouted for the elevators and made to head in their direction when she stopped me. "Sir, I must ask you not to enter the room until the psychiatrist is done with his evaluation." At first, her sentence didn't make sense to me. I was so eager to get to Koji's room that I blanked out the request. With a demoralizing numbness, the full force of the word 'psychiatrist' suddenly broke upon me. I turned around to face her with a blank mask of an expression. "Psychiatrist?" I repeated faintly. "Yes sir" said the receptionist patiently. "It's standard procedure."

"Standard procedure for what?" My voice broke into a hoarse plea. This was fast becoming one miserable discovery after the next, and I was wearing myself down at each milestone. "I'm sorry, but that kind of information doesn't reflect on the system" said the lady. She tilted the computer monitor so that I could get a better view. Underneath the bold Kanji characters of Koji's name, the words 'psychiatric evaluation' was written in bright red text. I shook my head in a failed attempted to clear it. He really did it. He wanted to commit suicide. My own brother had the gall to take his own life despite the boundless attachment I had for him. Dear God" I murmured. The receptionist graced me with another compassionate smile. "I'm sure the doctor will have more information for you." With a weak nod, I turned around and headed for the elevators. This was some kind of bad dream, it had to be. There was no way that so much chaos could flood over in one day. My dear Koji, my other self. "What have you done?" I whispered, feeling my heart shatter just that bit more.

The elevator ride was anticlimactic compared to the brutal run from my car. The incessant chatter of the couple next to me flowed in and out of my ears without a single word catching my attention. I kept my head down and stared vacantly at my feet. I couldn't tell where my physical deadness ended and my emotional one began. All the fears that ran so wildly through me on the way over here just got confirmed by two words on a computer screen. Koji was so overtaken by his misery that the death's shadowy touch seemed like the only way out for him. Damn it, how could I have been such an idiot to leave him alone yesterday? If I had been there, maybe I could have stopped him. "Really now?" asked a pitiless whisper in my head. "You couldn't have done anything and you know it." My hands clenched into tight balls of furious despondency. Maybe I couldn't have saved him. Once Koji got an idea into his head, it stuck fast and there was no convincing him otherwise. Fighting back tears, I undid one of raging hands and ran it through the unkempt forest of my hair. Damn it Koji, how could you do something stupid like this? Don't you know how much I love you? "Of course he doesn't. You can't ever tell him because you're a sick, twisted person." That voice in my head was really starting to piss me off. "You won't ever have the guts to tell him how you feel about him, and even if you do, he'll think you're a monster. Can you handle that? No, you can't. You need him so badly; you'll slit your own throat so he won't leave you. Pathetic!"

"Fourth floor" droned the automated voice of the elevator system, interrupting the mocking tirade of my conscience. Stepping out of the steel box, I conceded defeat to my moral guide. I couldn't bear to live without him. My world means nothing without Koji Minamoto because he is the foundation on which it is built. He can never leave me. Never.

In the moment I walked out of the elevator, I came face to face with my mother. I had a split second to catch a glimpse of the fallen façade playing upon her face before she wrapped me in the tight embrace only a mother could give. "Koichi, I'm so glad you're here" she sniffled into my shirt. I could feel the tiny quivers oscillating through her body, and I knew that I wasn't the only one torn up about Koji's sudden agenda to leave this world. I wrapped my arms around her and let her break down completely. This embrace was so different to the countless others I've received over the past twenty-six years. Secretly, I'm jealous of the strength and courage my mother wields. The only time I've ever seen her cry was at my grandmother's funeral. Usually, her resilient smile is enough to burn away any hardship life throws her way, so if she's in tears now, it must be pretty bad. "Mom" I murmured softly. My voice was had somehow transformed into a quiet monotone of a whisper. "What happened?" She lifted her head to look me straight in the eyes. I almost gasped at the swimming devastation radiating from her irises. "I went over there today to see how he was" she answered, carefully wiping away the moisture from under her eyes. "When I knocked on the door he didn't answer, so I tried calling him. I heard his phone ringing, so I went to the superintendent to ask him to open up the door. And then I saw-" Her eyes screwed shut in pain as she brought a shaky hand to cover her mouth. The waterworks let loose again, this time in full force. I pulled her into a warm hug again to try and comfort her, feeling her gasps and shudders as my own. It was hard to tell who the more upset party here was – on one hand, I felt for Koji as a brother, and as the object of my abnormal affection, but my mother's grief was that for a child nearly lost, more specifically the child she almost did lose forever. "I… I saw the bottle in his hand" she stammered. "And I knew! Oh God, why would he do this?" I placed my hands on the sides of her arms and gently pulled her off of me. "How is he Mom?"

"He's stable" she replied tearfully. "The doctor said that he didn't take enough pills for it to be fatal. They hooked him up to some sort of drip."

"So he's going to be OK?"

"I… I think so." I breathed a small sigh of relief as I grasped my mother's hand. At the very least, Koji was going to make it. "Koichi" said my mother thickly. "What if he wasn't so lucky?"

"But he was Mom, so that's what we have to focus on, OK?"

"But-"

"Mom, he'll be fine." My mother took a deep breath in. As I watched the lines on her face soften, I wondered why I wasn't able to buy into my own soothing words as easily as she did. Like it or not, the possibility that Koji could have died was disturbingly close for comfort. Whatever empathy I could have doled out to anyone else was all smoke and mirrors for me.

Mom led me to the forlorn company of Dad and Satomi outside the swinging doors of room A6. As always, my stepmother was beside herself and couldn't help but fire off in a series of random sentences. My dull interest was far more captured by the look on my father's face. His rimless spectacles magnified the tiredness underneath his eyes. The thin line of his mouth drew his face together in a tight expression of consternation. It looked like he would break if he attempted to speak. His hands kept wringing each other in anxious twinges. Now this was a sight – to see Dad star in the role of the worried father. When I was younger, I often joked about my father being an android. The man never showed any emotion under any circumstances – not when Koji and I graduated from high school or college, not when he won some award for being one of Tokyo's leading entrepreneurs, not even when he saw me for the first time in thirteen years. Whereas Satomi seemed to permeate a hyper state of worry and Mom gave off this aura of enthusiasm, Dad was nothing more than a walking block of ice; until today at least. "Is the psychiatrist done?" I asked. He gave a slight shake of his head. "He's still in there." He dropped his line of slight to the floor. "Why? He's always been so strong, why him?"

"He's been through a lot dear" said Satomi, rubbing her hand on his arm. Her expression was as morose as ever – obviously I wasn't the only hypocritical comforter here. "What with the wedding and all-"

"Speaking of which," interrupted Mom coldly, "where were you yesterday Kousei?" Dad's head sharply flew up to meet her scrutinizing gaze. My mother nonchalantly flicked her long ponytail behind her shoulder before placing her hands on her hips. The pose she adopted wasn't that different from an intimidating warrior getting ready before battle. If looks could kill, Dad would be on the floor with a million stab wounds in his body right about now. "I wanted to make it but-"

"But something came up at work right?" My father raised his eyebrows, irked at Mom's taunt. "I'd appreciate it if I could complete my own sentences."

"Why bother finishing them? They all end the same way." My mother clicked her tongue impatiently. "You haven't changed at all."

"My work is important!"

"More important than your own son?"

"ENOUGH!" The rasping growl burnt my throat as it erupted forth. With a sweeping look of contemptuousness, I quelled their petty argument. "Fighting now is pointless. It doesn't matter who was where yesterday. Koji's lying in bed there NOW. He needs us to be there for him, now more than ever, and arguing doesn't help at all." The three of them didn't have enough time for their looks of shock to linger. The casual swing of the doors gave way the confident stride of a tall man wearing a stark white coat. He gave a final glance at the clipboard in his hand before flashing a kindly beam at us. "I take it you're all Koji's family?" His voice was a gentle rumble. Mom quickly took the opportunity to answer him. "How is he doctor?"  
>"Well, his physical condition is stable. As I'm sure the ER told you, the dosage he took wasn't strong enough to be fatal. But, he's going to have to spend a couple more days here."<p>

"How come?" I asked emphatically. The thought of Koji spending anymore time here was too much to bear. An image of him confined in a straitjacket locked up in a padded room flashed alarmingly in my head. "It's standard procedure for this kind of case" said the psychiatrist smoothly. "From a physiological standpoint, we usually keep patients here for about three to four days to run a continuous series of blood tests on them. That way, we can monitor the drug's progress out of their system. Psychologically, we need to evaluate their mental health before discharging them."

"You're making him sound like a madman" whispered Satomi darkly. The psychiatrist politely sniggered at her random remark before continuing. "Not at all. You see, a failed suicide leaves deep emotional scars behind. It can either scare people beyond belief, or frustrate them into attempting it again. My job is to try and get them from out of that dark place."

"Can we see him?" asked Mom. The doctor sneaked another glimpse at his clipboard. "Apart from a Koichi, Koji has specifically asked that no one see him at this point in time." Instantly, I felt three pairs of bewildered eyes land on me. A crimson tinge rose from my neck to cover my face in its heat. "Well, that's ridiculous" said Dad with a firm hint of irritation present in his voice. "It's just as well" replied the doctor. "We don't want to overwhelm him. I suggest that the rest of you go home and relax, you've all been through a lot." He smiled briefly and turned to walk off into the hall.

A few minutes of dumbstruck silence passed between us before any of us spoke. Mom and Dad exchanged dagger-eyed looks of fury while Satomi fiddled in her handbag for something. A mixture of warped pride and wonder filled me and thawed out some of my earlier shock. Koji wanted me. I guess it shouldn't have come as that much of a surprise. It all boiled down to the issue of trust. Ever since college, Koji never afforded Dad one bit of faith, saying that the bastard would only try to get him under his control again. He and Mom were still too awkward around each other even after thirteen odd years or so, and Satomi was about as close to him as Mercury was close to Pluto. Whether he really did value me, or whether I was the default winner, I didn't care. I just wanted to see him and know that he was alright. "Guess I'm going in" I breathed audibly. Satomi nodded vigorously. "You know, the doctor's right. We should all go and get some rest. Rest is important for the body, I read online that-" She frowned. "I'm doing it again, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are dear" said Dad absentmindedly, his eyes not leaving Mom's for a second. "We should go." He charged straight passed Mom's wrathful glare, leaving Satomi to scurry desperately in his wake. Within thirty seconds, the two of them had disappeared around the corner. Mom turned around to face me. Her expression softened, but the firm lines of anger set themselves squarely around her eyes. "I guess I should be off too." She gave me a rib-crunching embrace. "Make sure he's OK Koichi."

"I will. I have to." She slowly let go off my sides. "And… tell him that I love him."

"Sure Mom." I earned myself a small peck on the cheek and a squeeze of my hand before she headed off in the same direction that Dad and Satomi did. I took an excessively deep inhalation to calm the gigantic butterflies whipping around in my stomach. The world around me faded into an indistinguishable haze as the remainder of my thoughts self-destructed of their own accord. Only one name rang through the howling plains of my mentality, his face permanently etched into my very being. "Koji."

The thick darkness was the first thing that struck me upon swinging the doors open. The room itself wasn't magnificently spacious, but allowed for ample walking room. Fluorescent light shone softly from a small lamp next to the room's only bed. I took a tentative step forward, trying desperately to ignore the rampant thump of inside my chest. Underneath the tender cream of the cotton blanket lay my angel in peaceful slumber. My peripheral gaze acknowledged the ominous presence of the drip steadily diffusing its contents into him via the carefully inserted tube in his right arm. The medication must have knocked him out completely. If it weren't for the steady rise and fall of his chest, I'd think he really was dead. He looked so… different. His complexion had lightened to a pale milky shade, clashing with the jet black tone of his hair. His face was affectionately lined with by silken bangs falling gently around his cheeks. Even like this, he was beautiful. My desire got the better of me. I put up a valiant fight, but it roared triumphantly through and took hold of my senses. It was like watching my own body betray me. I looked on in silent terror as my hand rose from my side and lovingly cupped my twin's face with its open palm. My thumb slowly ran over the blossoms of his lips. No reaction. My heartbeat accelerated to lightning speed. I couldn't stop myself – I had to do this. Years of unrequited passion broke from its untold reservoir, sending me spinning into wanton delirium. I lowered my head slowly, watching as his lips drew ever so closer to mine. The tiny puffs of his small breaths caressed my face with unknowing devotion. Pulses of amorous heat burnt through me as my lips caught onto his own. The warmth from his body linked with my own, forcing my lips to press harder against his. My tongue broke through the barrier of my mouth and savored the delicious velvet ensnared in my zealous hold. There is no other way to describe it: this was a pleasure so utterly sinful, yet so blissfully divine. My ears snapped onto the quiet moan climbing from deep inside my throat. My eyes widened in a winding panic – the brutal hand of reality shattered the idyllic moment of my forbidden affection. I broke the kiss and lifted my head, returning my hand back to the side of my body. Koji remained in his serene sleep, unaware of the profligate action that had just transpired. I backed away from the bed slowly, feeling a sickening disgust rising within me. I had sunk to a new level of deplorability, a status beyond reproach. I truly was a monster for feeling this way. This time I had gone too far…

**Hey guys, hope you liked these two chapters. As always, your thoughts are most welcome so please make my day and leave a review Ciao!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Tsukiyomi**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Digimon Frontier or any of the characters.

**Author's Note: ** Hope you all liked the other two chapters here's chapter 6, please read and review. Enjoy!

'**In your arms – that's where I want to be.'**

Three excruciating days passed after Koji was admitted into the hospital. His attending doctor had remarked that he had responded well to the treatment and was physically well again. Mentally, it was the exact opposite. The psychiatrist reported that Koji point blank refused to open up his psyche in their sessions. He would answer questions in single, gruff words; or sharply caustic rhetoric. He had a constant stream of visitors, ranging from family to colleagues: all of them were turned away by the hospital staff. Mom and Satomi took turns to keep a constant vigil outside his room, but their concerned efforts were put to waste. My brother made it very clear that he wished to be left alone, and the doctors thought it best to obey his desire for the time being. Unsurprisingly, father dearest had resumed his aloof demeanor and kept his distance from anything to do with Koji. It was as if his initial outburst was nothing more than a poor judgment on his part, and now he seemed to be doing damage control. Mom was beside herself with rage, but my stepmother and I managed to calm her down to a simmering bitterness. I think this somewhat of a tradeoff for her – she hadn't been there for my twin like she was for me, so she made up for it now. As far as she was concerned, Koji had grown up without a mother or a father, and now was the perfect time to be there for him, when he needed family the most. My father had icily responded that HE was there all along, and that my mother was the absent party. I thought it was best not to get involved after that. After all, I had more pressing matters on my head, and the more I thought about them, the more they refused to go away.

To me, it seemed that time had cruelly decided to warp itself after I stole that brazen kiss from my brother's lips. Those three days had passed like millennia, each hour slowly sending me even deeper into my maddened bewilderment. My resolve to get rid of this detrimental passion had been pathetically discarded to nothingness in a single foul stroke. All those promises I made to myself about letting Koji go did nothing more than render the incestuous beast inside of me dormant. It sprung back to life the minute I set my mouth onto Koji's, wantonly cheering me on in a twisted enthusiasm. It was so dangerously close to the surface… I could feel it, just biding its time in search for the perfect temptation. If I was sickened with myself before, now I absolutely loathed my very existence. How could I ever be trusted around Koji again? So much of my unsaid yearning swirled headily around me, suffocating me in simultaneous heartache and guilt. My obsession was fast becoming addictive – I had now successfully embedded my twin into me, and I could no longer tell where he ended and I began. My need for him went beyond the simple 'copycat' syndrome that commonly plagues twins. The sad fact was I needed him to carry on getting out of bed every morning. God, why did I have to be cursed into loving the one person that is so beyond me? Why can't I just fall for someone who didn't share the same womb as me? Why won't this just go away?

"So he's getting discharged?" I precariously cradled my phone in between my shoulder and ear. Casually removing the film from my camera, I handed the roll over to my assistant as I strained to hear the voice on the other side of the line. Today was that one day of the month where everything is a last minute rush to get the next issue of the magazine out. Luckily, these things always worked in my favor if I was up to date on my assignments – I could slip out early if I needed to, with just a few envious glares following me out the building. "Yes, he's coming out today." My mother's voice trilled excitedly over the receiver. As much as I shared her zeal for Koji's wellbeing, a pang of numbed alarm spread its way from the pit of my stomach. My lack of control around my brother could bring more unforeseen surprises along the way, possibly much more severe than a kiss. Damn it! I hate that he does this to me, and worse still I can't tell him that he holds this lovesick haziness over me. "Koichi? Koichi, are you there?" The edge of concern in Mom's voice saved me from mentally kicking myself, but did nothing for my rising level of self-disgust. "Yeah, I'm here Mom."

"Look, I need to talk to you about something."

"I'm listening."

"You know how I phone the hospital ward every night to find out how Koji's doing?" It took all the restraint I had to not sigh out loud. This was classic Mom – every time she had to be the bearer of significant news, she would always try and offset it with some mundane topic. It was usually how she broke the fact that she had to change jobs or would be working longer hours. I wondered what kind of turn this particular conversation would take. "Yes, I know."

"Well, they say you haven't been visiting him since he got admitted." And there it was in all its fantastical glory. "Work's been really off the handle."

"Work? Koichi, I know you better than that, you're not your father." Damn, I knew I shouldn't have played the work card. "You know, he only chose you out of all of us to see him" continued my mother, oblivious to the cogs in my head accelerating into overdrive. I shook my head. "So what Mom, should I feel special that he chose me?"

"It's not about being special. I know you didn't ask for it, but you have a responsibility to take care of him. Who knows what kind of state he's in?" Now, how am I supposed to explain to her that I'm not really fit to take care of him, firstly because I don't even know what kind of state I'M in, and secondly I'd probably savage his lips when I'm around him? "I know" I sighed softly, running a hand through my hair. My mother could really drive a point home when she wanted to. "I'll make sure he's taken care of. Speaking of which, where's he going to stay?"

"The psychiatrist said he's not to be by himself for the first week or so. You know… precautionary measures." I quizzically raised an eyebrow at my mother's hesitation. Despite hitting every curveball life threw at her, the woman could not bring herself to say that her son attempted suicide. "OK" I murmured slowly. "So he's going to stay with you?" I heard a longing exhalation waft over the phone. "As much as I want him to, you know as well as I do that he won't. And I will absolutely not stand for him going back to your father. God, I can only imagine the things he'll say to the poor child."

"Let me guess, I win by default?"

"We'll all be there to support him as best we can, but for now we need you to be our eyes and ears." The butterflies in my stomach froze my body into a perfectly unmoving statue. Of course, I knew that this would have to happen: Koji was too pigheaded to live under the same roof as Dad, and he acted like a complete robot around Mom. I was the only option left here, but the realization still hit me like an indiscriminate thunderbolt. What I needed to do was like asking a rehabilitated alcoholic to go back to the thing that made him an addict in the first place. Just the opportunity for temptation to rear its seductive head was so much already, and with Koji in such a broken place right now – no, I can't go there. There'll be time to deal with my more than brotherly feelings later. "So what time do I have to pick him up?"

-xoxoxoxoxo-

The sun painted the sky an incandescent pink as its fiery circumference touched the horizon far beyond. One of the things I love about Tokyo is that no matter how modern the city gets, there's always this ancient feel to it lurking protectively in the background, like Nature herself was present in the urban Eden. When I used to explain it to my grandmother, she would smile and say that the kami were watching over us, protecting us from whatever evil that might befall us. Of course, my brother took a more practical approach when I tried explaining it to him. "Please tell me you don't believe in all that superstitious crap" he would say, and then roll his eyes wearily at me. One glimpse at my stony face would convey that he succeeded in pissing me off. "Look, a lot of Tokyo's attractiveness as a city lies in the medieval buildings all over the place. Why do you think they're so many temples? It's clever tourist marketing. Honestly Koichi, kami? Get real man!"

The drive to the hospital was more careful this time. There was a subtle reluctance to it all. The last three days had managed to shift the axis of my world to a slightly more selfish point of view, for lack of a better description. If Mom had attempted to stir up some form of guilt within me, she had only gotten half the job done. Truth be told, I did feel a certain degree of culpability, but it was different this time – it was more auxiliary. Three days ago, the mere thought of Koji set off a radical hyperventilation in my chest, pitilessly sending my head spinning into darkened entropy. Now, it just gave rise to a question burning slowly, but resiliently, within my heart: why? Why do I care for him so much? Because he's my brother. Why do I feel so attached to him? Because he's my twin. Why do I love him? I have no idea. Am I such an exacerbated nutcase that I've given up on finding anyone else? Well, judging by the shambles of my love life, that's not such a farfetched theory. Ever since high school, my romantic views took somewhat of a detour from the opposite sex. I would make halfhearted attempts, they would make giggly flirtatious conversation, and BAM: maximum of two dates, and I would never call back. Koji was like a freaking sex magnet – even though we were physically identical, he had this icy magnetism that drew girls from far and wide. Not that he paid attention. Back then, the lone wolf was too busy raising hell at his home to even give a girl the time of day. As far as I knew, Yue was the only one who had charmed him out of his lonely glacier. But no matter what, my brother had made sure he was always there for me, no questions asked. When I had first met him, shock was the one emotion that did not grace him. He just took in his stride, as if he was expecting it all along. Since then, the two of us… we've been so close to each other. From completing each other's sentences to sensing when the other was upset, it was as if we had just reset ourselves to the same wavelength. The only difference between us is that our relationship means a lot more to me than it does to him. Just once, I'd like to see how he'd react about the unreachable depths of my life. Yeah right, and then watch my life slowly fall to pieces around me while I pathetically mourn the loss of my brother's affection – no matter how little it is compared to my own.

After about forty minutes of unconscious, albeit vigilant, driving; I made it to the hospital with my head at war with itself. The irony of parking in the exact same spot I did three days ago was not wasted upon me. This was where everything had started to fall apart, and now it would be where it would everything turned normal; I swear it. What I needed now was some sort of coping mechanism to get me through this period while I gradually worked up my resolve to move on. Being around my brother was going to be appreciably awkward enough, and I didn't need my heart getting in the way as it had done so many times before, it was too broken already. This time, I had to learn the difference between BROTHER and LOVER. After all, it wasn't as if there was only a thin line dividing the two categories; they were on the ends of the fucking world for God's sakes! There was no two ways about it. For the sake of my own sanity, I must be strong and resist whatever opportunity temptation seductively throws at me.

Breezing past the myriad of cars, I walked into the reception area and checked in with the receptionist at the front desk. Thankfully, the receptionist on duty was not the one who had been here before. It wouldn't have mattered anyway because she wouldn't remember, but for me it would have been a drastic reminder of that one sordid moment in my life. I was politely informed that the doctor was doing the final paperwork for Koji's discharge, and the two of them were waiting in his room for me. I curtly thanked her and made my way to the far end of the hall. One short elevator ride and a few shaky steps later, I found myself outside the closed doors of room A6. It was now or never – this was the fresh start that would set me free of all those years of sitting quietly in the background and having to feel my heart shatter repeatedly. If I could make it here now, there might be hope yet. "Come on Koichi, be strong" I thought. "Failure is not an option. Not now." My chest heaved in an uneven breath, felling my features into an expressionless mask. Ignoring the slight tremble in my hand, I pushed the stark white doors open and walked into the destiny that awaited me.

It could have been the last flaming rays of the setting sun, but room A6 looked a lot bigger than it did the last time I'd been here. The walls were painted in a comforting shade of beige to set off the cold sterility that waited outside the doors. A jeans and T-shirt clad Koji sat on the bed with his legs swinging off the edge. He seemed extremely interested in the branch of cherry blossoms sitting appealingly on the stand next to the bed. The psychiatrist paid intense attention to the stacks of forms laid upon the foot of the bed, letting his pen scrawl swiftly across the sheets of paper. I quickly got their acknowledgement with a small clear of my throat. Koji's expression grew into a wry grin. "Finally, someone came to bust me out." I threw him a tiny smirk and walked over to the doctor. Judging from the tiredness in his steel grey eyes, it was evident that he hadn't treated anyone quite like this particular patient. "Sir, I'll need you to sign over here" he requested economically, pointing to the thin solid line at the bottom of the page. I proffered his pen and graciously flared my signature with artistic finesse. Koji raised an eyebrow, as if bored with the entire scenario. "I'll wait outside" he murmured, and boldly strode out of the room within a matter of seconds. I turned to the psychiatrist and shrugged my shoulders helplessly. "I take it things haven't been going well." He shook his head slightly. "Well, they could be far worse. The main problem is that he won't open up. He refuses to talk about anything, especially the wedding."

"So what now?"

"I've made a series of appointments with a private psychiatrist. She's excellent at dealing with suicide patients. It's of utmost importance that he attends these sessions. Hopefully, she'll have better luck with him than I did." As if on cue, my body wilted under the mighty responsibility. My work was cut out for me. "Is there anything else I can do for him? Does he need any medication?"

"Well, at the moment, no. His new psychiatrist may decide to put him on antidepressants, but you can cross that bridge when you get to it. However, I will say this." He readjusted his body posture to a straighter, more regal stature. I looked at him with quiet expectancy, waiting for more fearsome truths to appear. "Suicide-" He paused, struggling to place the sheer gravity into words. "As much as victims of failed suicides are treated on case-by-case basis, generally they come in two categories: those who get scared by their actions, and those who are likely to attempt it again. Unfortunately, I have to say your brother seems to be the latter type." Again he stopped, this time waiting for me to give a response. I felt my mouth thin out dramatically. My voice broke out into a hoarse whisper. "He's likely to do this again?"

"Perhaps. It would be wise for you to not leave him alone for the time being." My stomach gave a sickened lurch inside of me. My eyes instantly hazed over, unable to distinguish anything. The brutal honesty of it all ripped me to shreds. Death had come so close to taking Koji from me, and now there was a chance it could visit him again. "When will this all end?" I asked softly. My head was light enough to shoot into orbit. The psychiatrist gave me a sad smile that brimmed with pathos. "I don't know" was all he could offer me.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

It was after dark by the time my twin and I returned to my apartment. Night had already painted the sky ebony, apart from the silver disc of the moon shining ethereally against the black velvet. My mind was still reeling from the chill of the psychiatrist's words. As I led Koji up the stairs to my apartment, I wondered for the first time as to how deep his wounds ran. It was obvious that he loved Yue with everything he had, and even more if that was possible, or else he wouldn't have done something like this. How completely devastated he must be on the inside for this to happen. "Aren't you a little devastated too?" With great effort, I resisted the temptation to pinch myself. That gnawing voice of conscience really does irritate the hell out of me at times. I had to keep myself focused and alert on the task at hand, no distractions would be tolerated. "You mean like last time?" Fuck, I really need a new conscience. This one's more of an annoying pessimist than a moral guide. I will be there for my brother, as a BROTHER would, end of story. There's nothing else that needs to be analyzed, nor do any other feelings have to be taken into account. All I have to do is take care of him, plain and simple. Right?

"Well, home sweet home" I sighed, pushing the door open. My hand automatically reached out to the right hand side of the door and felt out for the cool plastic of the light switches. Three loud flicks later, and the entire place was bathed in the soft beams of the individual lamps hanging in from the ceiling. My apartment lacked the modern architectural grandeur of Koji's, but it still held its own. One of the reasons I loved the place was because of its simplicity in nearly every manner. The big space and minimal furniture meant effortless cleaning and plenty of walking space. The far side of the room was a long sheet of clear glass that overlooked the pulsating neon glow from Tokyo's nightlife. Add two bedrooms, a bathroom and the fact that it was central to almost everything I needed – how could I not buy it? Apart from my college graduation, this was my greatest achievement, and it was where my heart lay… which kind of says that I need to get out more.

Koji took tepid steps into my abode and surveyed the area, his face as blank as ever. I shut the door behind him and locked it with a quick turn of the key. And so the ultimate test of my life begins. I watched him go towards the window, bathed in luminous combination of the moon's metallic grey light and the loud shine from the city below. He placed a hand delicately on the smooth surface of the glass, his movements ever so tender. The faraway look in his eyes told stories of a pain that was infinite by its definition, a pain so strong that it had broken the strongest man I knew. I silently crept up to him and placed my hand solidly on his shoulder. "I'll go get your bed ready."

"Don't." The sharp panic in voice belied the void façade that turned to stare at me. The dark sapphire of his irises shimmered iridescently. My mouth parted slightly in confusion. "Don't what?"

"Don't leave me." He took a step forward and grabbed my arm with a brusque force. My ears picked on the ragged tone of breathing. It was happening again. The same headiness that overtook me that night in the hospital was threatening to return. "Koji, I-"

"Please Koichi" he whispered, tears cascading down his eyes like waterfalls. "Please don't leave me." The connection between my physical being and my mind severed completely. My body now gained sentience and acted of its own. My hand appeared out of nowhere and cupped the pale milky cheek in front of me. I leant forward and pushed the radiating heat of my lips against the soft flesh of his own pair. My head immediately went into overdrive, trying to register what the hell was going on, but the carnal heat of my body refused to listen. Somewhere in the recesses of my brain, I heard the monster roar triumphantly at my deed. The soft pressure on my waist told me of Koji's fingertips softly dancing against my hips. This was not happening, this could not be happening. The righteous side of me wanted this to stop, but the rest of me wanted this one moment to go on forever. I had waited so long for this to happen – could it be real? Yes. The sweet taste of the heavenly blossoms against my tongue told me that, in profligate conjunction with ever-growing tightness of my brother's embrace. What a beautiful drug this was, poisoning me with its opulent sensuality. Koji ran his tongue along my lips, imploring for entrance. I acceded to his request and let him slip it into the cavern of my mouth. With a sudden burst of morality, my reason took over and I quickly backed away. My breath came in short gasps as his broken eyes suffocated me with need. "Koji," I breathed, "we… we can't do this." He didn't answer. He took folds my shirt into his fists and fell to the floor, dragging me down with him.

The bangs of my hair fell on either side of my head. My eyes searched out Koji's for some plea to stop this, but he didn't meet my gaze. Instead, he lifted off his T-shirt in single movement, baring the sweet, snowy flesh to cold air. His hands fiddled around his jeans, unzipping them with a speed that conveyed an ardent longing to be complete. His attention turned to my pants, and after a few seconds of fumbling, my growing erection sprung free from the cotton trappings. My brain lost all sense of order. I pushed my head down to steal another zealous kiss. My tongue then ran down, painting his neck with my own longing for him. I was rewarded with a soft moan when my teeth devotedly grazed against the fluctuating hollow of his neck. If this was for real, I sure as hell wasn't going to waste this experience. I was going to make sure he was aware that I was the one he would need forever, that I could adore him beyond anyone else's levels. I continued to travel southwards, my mouth leaving a wet trail of desire across the inches of skin it affectionately crossed. With a guttural groan, my brother lost his hand in the soft forest of hair, encouraging me to pay even more homage to the heavenly temple that was his body. In a matter of seconds, I reached my prize. Koji's erect pole entranced my sight momentarily, but my longing to please my younger brother possessed me to even greater depths of sin. I engulfed the head to a loud cry of pleasure emanating from the depths of my twin's being. The clean, almost saline, taste propelled me to run my tongue around the circumference of Koji's head. Beneath me, Koji shuddered uncontrollably. As my mouth slowly captured more and more of his mast, my eyes lifted to see my brother throw his head back and tightly screw his eyes shut. My head pulled back slowly across the silken pole, only to go back down on it. On and on it went in lusty repetitions, all the while Koji gripped my head tightly. Words escaped him completely – his body spoke in quakes and twists instead. Suddenly, he pulled my head back up to meet his lips again. If possible, the taste grew even more delicious than before. I felt my erection press onto Koji's, carnal warmth burning furiously between our bodies. Possessed by our lust, our bodies slowly grinded into each other as our lips collided together in a wet ensnaring. From deep in my body, my orgasm grew and concentrated around my groin. Our breaths caressed each other in warm clouds, creating our own little nirvana. Lifting my head, I looked at Koji's eyes mirror my own, and flashed over in want. That was all it took. In synchronized cries, we erupted onto each other, covering our loins in the heat of our passions. We convulsed in each others arms, slaves to this one moment in time where we had translated our passions beyond words. We had truly known what it was like to lose ourselves completely to the other. In the amorous glow of our hedonistic pleasure, only one thing solidified in my mind. It was enough to suspend the increasing horror I felt, and powerful enough to silence the nagging voice of my conscience. It erased everything else, and entwined its foundations to my existence. It was where it all started for me, and where it all would end. In the faint glow of the moon, I gazed upon Koji with the utmost love, and whispered my confession out loud. "I love you."

**So what's going to happen next time? Well, I'd love to give spoilers, but even I don't know! Let me know what you thought, and please hit that review button! **

**PS: In case you didn't know, kami are like guardian spirits said to protect people & Tsukiyomi is the god of the moon in Japanese mythology.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Koji's Journal – Part II**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Digimon Frontier or any of the characters.

_30__th__ September 2011_

_Looking all the other journals I've kept over the years, I can say without a single doubt that this is the most untidy entry of my life I've ever written in my journal. But what can I expect? Tomorrow's the big day, the day I'll buckle down and become a half of something… God, I don't even know how to complete that sentence. I've never ever felt so nervous in my entire life, and I'm usually not one to get on pins and needles. There's this sharp breathlessness that's inside me and won't let go. My mind is busy scanning every possible scenario that could go wrong: like someone could meet a car accident tomorrow, or maybe Dad could have a heart attack as Yue and I say our vows. I'm being silly, but I can't help it. Something's bound to go wrong tomorrow I know it._

_It's not that I don't love Yue. I do, with all my heart, but lately things have been way off. We've been going off at each other for the smallest things ever since the engagement. It's been nothing but a cycle of fighting and making up – we've been going back and forth for the last couple of months, and that's at the best of it. Sometimes when we're together, we just sit in this bruised silence. We give away nothing to each other, not even a stare. I wish I knew what was going on in her head during those times. Does she wonder whether this entire thing is worth it like I do? We've lost that connection. There was a time where we could instinctively know what the other was thinking, but it's all broken now. Everything's just so… incomplete now. I hate it. What the hell happened to us? We used to have it all, but it's gone. Can I honestly stand up there tomorrow and vow to love and cherish this woman when she's become a complete stranger to me? I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with her because that's what I wanted, and that's what everyone else thought so too. Mom, Dad, Satomi and all my friends have been getting all my nerves with all this wedding stuff. If it were totally up to me, I'd change things to the way they were before I asked her to marry me… and everything got screwed up._

_At least there's one person I can count on to talk me through tomorrow, although he's been quite distant of late. I don't know what it is, but Koichi's been so withdrawn ever since my engagement party. I've tried talking to him, but all he does is make small talk about the wedding or steer the conversation to some random topic. I wish he'd tell what was wrong. He's been there for me my entire life, an unquestionable source of support in whatever I did. I want to be there for him, but I can't fix something when I don't know what's wrong. And it's not just me. Mom said that he goes into this total shell whenever Yue's around, and if I'm with her, he'll leave the room completely. I did come up with the theory that he may be jealous of my impending nuptials, but I mean, come on! This is Koichi, the 'forever bachelor'. He's too independent to settle down. When I look at him, I'm often reminded of how I was in the good old days. I carried around this ball of seething angst like a prize, guarding it with my isolation from the rest of the world. Of course, I knew what was troubling me. Back then, I was sticking it to Dad to show him that he wasn't the god he thought he was. Is it the same for him? Nah. Dad and Koichi are too cordial in that hesitant manner around each other to lash out like I did. Besides, he's not me. He's so honest and open with everything he does. He doesn't even have to say a word to convey the purity of what he feels. One look into those startlingly clear eyes and I can immediately understand how intense emotions are. I don't care just because he's my identical twin brother. I care because he's so much more than that. He's my best friend, my psychologist, a compassionate ear when I need it and my anchor to this world all wrapped in one. God, if I ever lost him… I don't know what I'd do. _


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Amaterasu**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Digimon Frontier or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Hello faithful readers, it's been a while hasn't it? I apologize deeply for the delay, but its exam time (I know, it sucks) and I've been busy with my other story. After careful consideration, I think that this is a good point to end the story. There were a lot of other things I wanted to do, but after my contemplative session I found out that they didn't fit in the vein of the story. So please enjoy the last chapter! As always, your reviews and thoughts are always welcome, so PLEASE hit that review button!

'**If anyone ever asked me what my greatest achievement was, I'd say it was falling in love with you.'**

The pale hoary light of the moon's full sphere shone incandescently on our bodies, bathing the silken paths of our skins in the lightest of neon silver. Our breaths caressed the other's face in a warm cloud of affection, spinning our senses into an infinite headiness that consumed us entirely. As I looked into the azure shimmer of my brother's eyes, my conscience fought valiantly against its lusty stifle and screamed loudly in the empty recess of my head for reality to hit me. It did. The full extent of my actions came to me with a sudden surge. I leapt off of Koji's body with an adrenaline-filled push. The sickening feeling from earlier in the day came back, except it had intensified now that I had fulfilled my twisted fantasy. "Koji" I whispered softly. My voice barely rose above a pathetic tremble. "Koji, I'm so sorry."

"Why?" he asked, lifting himself up from the floor in a fluid motion that echoed with pure grace. He stood there before me, stark naked as the day he was born, staring at me in a heartbreaking mixture of neediness and devastation. Crimson shades toned my face in modesty as I lowered my gaze to avoid taking in the sheer magnificence of his body. I turned around and grabbed my pants from the floor and began to fumble my way into them. All the while my twin's piercing gaze never left me. "I love you too you know" he whispered quietly. I froze in place. Did he really say that? Hell, I was doing it again. As if it wasn't bad enough that I had committed incest, I was becoming one of those people that read deeply into every unmeaning word and touch. "No you don't" I said faintly. "Well, maybe in that brotherly kind of way, but not in that way." I looked at him deeply, etching his features of brokenness into my head. God, he looked incredible. "Then how come you said it?" he asked faintly, walking towards me. My senses kicked into overdrive again – I could almost taste the passionate heat across his skin. He pulled me into an embrace that was charged with nothing but desire and want. Pressing his head onto my shoulder, he rubbed his thumb down the column of my spine. An electric spark emanated from my groin and cracked its pleasurable trail across my body in mere milliseconds. No, I couldn't do this again. He is my brother and I'm a sick monster for taking advantage of him in such a vulnerable state. It's as simple as that.

My arm returned his hold on my body by affectionately wrapping themselves across his back. In barely light touches, my fingertips relished the feel of the smooth skin underneath them. He shuddered slightly in contentment. "Koichi, tell me. Why did you say it?" I let out a sigh that drew into the quiet moment we shared as something in between twins and lovers. Surprisingly, my heartbeat did not quicken as I had expected. Maybe it was due to the fact that I couldn't sink much lower than I already had. He had to know the truth. Even if it was one time, we had crossed the line together. We would always have this moment forever engraved into our beings. I couldn't hide it anymore. "I love you Koji" I murmured. "More than I should."

"I love you too."

"No, you don't." Koji's head lifted its assuring weight off from my shoulder and pulled back to suffocate me with those penetrating sapphires. "You don't get to decide that big brother."

"Koji, what we did… I mean, if it… we're brothers" I pleaded weakly. "Twins." He tilted his head quizzically. "Do you love me?"

"Yes, but that's not the point." He bit his lip. "Then what is?" he asked. I lowered my head again. Everything was turning around on its head. One night was all it took for the logic in the world to completely melt in the face of unbridled desire. I couldn't tell what I'd become, I didn't even want to know. I was fast becoming aware of my inability to deal with what had just happen. How could I ever look at him in the same way again? Screw that; how was I ever supposed to get rid of these feelings when I had just… FUCK! "I don't know" I replied, my answer dripping in fatigue. Koji's hand danced across my bare skin like feathers from an angel's wing. It had to be scientifically impossible for one human being to induce such blissful helplessness in another. "Look, if it makes you feel any better, this is strange for me too" he stated softly. One of his hands left my back and travelled to under my chin, lifting my head so that our eyes met. "But that doesn't mean that we should just let it go. Let's just stop thinking and see where it goes."

"You don't understand" I said shakily. "I've tried for so long to not feel this way about you." He smirked knowingly. "I'm flattered." He drew his head in and pulled my lips into the ultimate nirvana of kisses. His hands found their way around my body again, meandering in profligate touches as if exploring my body to see how similar it was to his own. His tongue pushed against the barrier of my lips and entered my mouth, gently massaging my own. His taste confirmed what I already knew: he was not of this earth; he was too divine to be. With a rumbling moan, I tightened my grip around his body and brought him closer to me. After what seemed like hours, he pulled away from the craving grasp of my mouth. His words were barely an enticing whisper. "Let's go to bed."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

The night's hours slugged on in excruciating inches as I lay in my bed, waiting for the dawn to break over the horizon and end this hazy illusion. Koji's soft breaths punctuated the atmosphere in soft heaves and slowly diffused into a still silence. I wasn't wrong: he really was an angel. Every time I turned on my side, my eyes never failed to drink in the sight of his gloriousness. He was so like me in every way, yet so different. Our lives had pressed different markings on us, and the jaded scar on his arm where a saline drip had been reminded me of hid fragility. "_I love you too_." How my heart elevated to unknown heights when he said it. But he didn't mean it. He couldn't in this state; he wasn't in possession of his full faculties. And then there was me – the pervert who took advantage of his suicidal twin for his own sexual gain. Looking at him lie next to me, feeling his body curl up against my own, I have to admit I've never seen him so at peace with everything. There was almost an eloquent smile playing about his sweet lips as he slept. Damn it, why does he have to be so irresistible to me? But he was so much more than just beautiful to me. To me, he transcended the level of twin brother. He was my other half, the reason I got up out of bed every morning. If I ever lost him, I'd be nothing more than an empty shell wandering the world without a purpose. I love him so completely; it threatens to drown me to the point where I lose myself to him. No, wait, I'm already past that point. I can't even tell who I am anymore, and after tonight, everything just got ten times worse. On the other hand, perhaps he was right. Maybe I should just shut my mouth, stop thinking and see where all of this goes. For the first time in my life, the only desire that has ever burned inside of me has been fulfilled. If the angst and guilt were subtracted from the equation, it felt like I was sent spiraling into heaven. That spark of passion that cracked between us… he felt it too, I could tell. "I need you" I thought desperately as I watched my brother slumber against the protective contour of my body. "More than you'll ever know. Koji, how I wish you were mine."

After the eternity of those torturous hours passed, morning came to save me from the insanity of my thoughts. Gently disentangling my body from Koji's loving seize, I silently got out of bed and mindlessly rambled to the kitchen, a poignant mist rolling around in my head. The lack of sleep had done wonders to give a deepened edge to my bewilderment. Thankfully, I knew this apartment like the back of my hand so any potential injuries were unconsciously avoided. Once I'd reached my destination, me eyes blearily searched out for the cool steel of the coffee maker. One nimble switch and my caffeine-producing savior hummed to life in seconds. My patience was rewarded a few minutes later as the glass jug in the hollow of the machine filled with the rich brown liquid. Oh, if only the world's problems could be solved with a pot of freshly brewed coffee. Grabbing my mug from the cabinet above my head, I carefully poured my early morning lifeline into it and precariously took a sip. The hot, bitter tang of the liquid coated my taste buds in its acquired luxuriousness, awakening me from my half comatose state. My psyche needed to be at its sharpest if I was going to deal with all of this. There was an extremely fine balance between what I wanted and what needed to be done. Over the course of my insomniac night, I had come to the conclusion that I needed to trick myself into letting go. Koji needed to be handled in such a way that – ah, who was I kidding? Knowing me, I'd probably end up doing something far worse than giving him oral sex. "I love you Koji" I contemplated darkly. My eyes began to sting with the salty beginnings of regretful tears. I took another sip of my piping hot coffee to quell my melancholy down. "What am I supposed to do?"

As if on cue, I felt a pair of hands crawl across my naked torso and link themselves together, binding me in a tender lock. The soft tickle on my back sinfully alerted me to my brother's presence. I sighed longingly. "It's still early" I murmured softly. "Go back to bed."

"Trying to get rid of me?" asked Koji mischievously. He pressed a light kiss onto my back. My breathing took a deepened turn as I closed my eyes and lost myself to the cavern of celestial torment opening in my heart. "No. But you need rest."

"I need you." There it was again. Fuck, does God enjoy baiting me like this? "Koji, please don't do this. Don't make this harder than it has to be."

"You think too much, you know that?" His hands teased their way across my chest in agonizingly slow touches. He lifted his head to my shoulder and placed his mouth next to my ear. "Thank you." A perplexed frown appeared on my forehead. "For what?"

"For being there when no else wasn't."

"What are you talking about? I'm not the only one. You've got Mom, Dad, Satomi and pretty soon a psychiatrist too."

"That's not what I meant. And I'm not going to see any shrink." I broke his hold on me and turned around, grabbing him by his shoulders. The look in his eyes matched the soulful pout of his lips to perfection. "I nearly lost you once" I whispered dangerously. "I'm damn well not going to let it happen again. You're going to see that psychiatrist, end of story." He lifted his arms and placed the delicately on my waist. "I meant what I said last night Koichi. I want-"

"Don't."

"You." I lowered my head. "You think I don't want that too? I love you more than anything."

"Then what's stopping us?"

"There's so much wrong in this Koji. I mean, we're brothers. What do you think everyone would say if they found out?" He smirked that impish smirk again as he brought his head closer to my own. "Fuck everyone else" he said quietly. "All we need is each other." Bringing his lips against my own, he stole yet another sweet kiss from my mouth. As our tongues danced against each other, I surrendered to him entirely. Whether this relationship panned out or not, I would always be a slave to him and we both knew it.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Two hours and one reflective shower later, and I was in a fresh change of clothes, but still not ready to face the day. I put in a quick call to the office to say that I'd be taking a couple of days off. Needless to say, they weren't pleased. Work had already begun on the end of year edition of the magazine, and all available hands were needed to churn out the magnum opus, but with all the leave I had accumulated, they had no choice but to grant it. After that, I did a quick check in with Mom and Satomi to give them a heavily edited version of last night's events. Both of them were relieved that Koji's first night out of hospital had gone as smoothly as can be. "Make sure he gets plenty of rest" Mom had demanded. "And don't let him put too much strain on himself, you know how he gets." Once the bevy of phone calls had ended, I placed the phone down and headed over to the kitchen to pour myself another cup of coffee. Today was one of days that seemed to come out of a drug-induced euphoria – everything seemed so surreal. My head's delirious orbit had yet to cease, and things were gradually slipping into a fantasy realm. My own, perverted fantasy where brothers could become something more. From the distance of the bathroom, the soft hiss of water stopped, indicating that Koji was done with his shower. I needed to give him an answer, I owed him that much. My imagination was translating itself into reality, and it scared me to no end. This is what I wanted, but the later repercussions could be disastrous. I couldn't care less what happened to me, but what would Koji have to endure? I could be robbing him of a chance to have a normal family life. He could wake up one day in the not so distant future and regret all of this. I can't take that chance. I have to end it here, before anything else happens to pull us in. Things might never fully go back to normal, but I had to try.

A knock on the door pulled me out of my pensive reverie. Sighing softly, I abandoned my coffee and headed towards the door. Opening it with careless abandon, my eyebrows immediately raised themselves when I registered who stood before me. The long sheet of her dark hair blew ethereally in the wind's tender movement. The fine features of her face were tightly drawn in the epitome of angst. "Koichi, who is it?" called Koji. I turned around to see him enter the living room with an innocent look of questioning. I immediately stepped aside to reveal his former fiancé standing in the doorway and watched his expression fall into a quivering, neutral mask. "Yue" he murmured softly, narrowing his eyes warily. "Yue, please come in" I said quickly, inviting her in with a wave of my hand. She nodded gratefully and stepped inside away from the biting chill. "What are you doing here?" asked Koji slowly. Clearly, his ex-to-be-wife's appearance had thrown him for a loop. "I came here to see you" she replied, her limpid irises starting to turn to liquid. "Your father told me what happened."

"That idiot doesn't know where his boundaries are" growled my brother furiously. The crystal azure of his eyes pulsed resoundingly with a heavy anger. A broken silence fell upon the three of us. To say that the atmosphere was uncomfortable was an understatement. Koji kept analyzing the former love of his life with looks of leonine fury, to which she replied with a face that was heavily saturated in apology. "I'm going to my bedroom" I said uncertainly, watching the two of them stare deeply at each other. "I'll… uh… just leave the two of you alone."

Once I had reached my room, I closed the door quietly and pressed my head against the varnished smoothness. As if things weren't complicated enough, SHE was here now. "Maybe it's for the best" I thought, leaving the cool touch of the door and flopping my body onto the comforting support of the mattress. Maybe I could see this as an opportunity to do the right thing. If Yue and Koji got back together, last night would be nothing more than a smoky memory for my little brother and he could confidently move on with his life. I didn't mind the heartbreak – hell, I was used to it. Besides, they had a history together, that didn't just evaporate into nothing. Yes, they would get back together and soon the wedding would be back on track as it should be. "And you can go back to failing pathetically at trying to get over your twin brother" said my troubling conscience gleefully. The tears came back, but I was ready for them this time. Yes, I'd go back to what I would do best.

The door slowly opened to its full extent, allowing Koji to saunter in stealthily and place himself next to my body without me noticing. Only when his grinning face obstructed my view of the ceiling did I frown in astonishment. "Where's Yue?"

"She's gone." His answer was quiet, but brisk. I exhaled slowly. "That was quick. What did she want?"

"She heard about my… recent happenings and came here to relieve her guilt."

"Is that what she said?"

"No. But I can read between the lines." I glimpsed at his grin lessen slightly as my line of sight returned to the ceiling. I felt his reassuring hand place itself hesitantly on my slightly heaving chest. I shouldn't allow it, but I was too weary to fight it. "This doesn't change how I feel about you" he whispered softly into my ear. "Or about us." I closed my eyes. Could this get anymore difficult? "It changes everything. Excuse my bluntness, but you tried to kill yourself over her."

"True" he admitted. His thumb stroked across the thin cotton of my shirt. "But I did have a reason for that." He pulled himself closer to my body. Of its own accord, my body once again gained a life of its own and stretched out my arm for him to rest on. "Yue and I… we had some problems before the wedding. We just weren't connecting anymore. And when she phoned that day… I felt as if the entire world had collapsed." I turned to face his soulful eyes stab me with their intensity. "And when you left me alone, I just couldn't take it. I thought that if I did… it, that it would bring her back."

"See, you do need her" I said quietly. He shook his head. "I thought I did. But I can't commit my entire life to someone who I'll spend fighting with or glaring in silence over the years." He planted a chaste kiss underneath my ear. "Don't send me away" he begged faintly. "Not now."

"Look, what if someone found out?"

"They won't. Please big brother," he said softly, "tell me what I want to hear."

Looking at him with such an intoxicating mixture of confidence and want on his face, I knew I couldn't resist. Like so many attempts I'd made in the past to rid myself of these feelings, I'd knew this one would fail too. The only difference this time was that I now knew that he wanted it too. At this point, my worry that he was my twin brother faded away. I only saw the person who I adored beyond several lifetimes. "I love you" I whispered. It was the most honest statement in my life. That characteristic smirk I loved so much returned to his lips. "I love you too." My heart went up several notches in my chest, elevating itself to a status that I had never known in my life. I would always love him, even if he didn't want me. I was too lost in him to find myself, and I didn't even want to try. The world may have to turn upside down for someone outside our bond to understand us, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was here and now, and for now I was his.

**Well guys, this is it. Hope you liked this story, so please leave a review Till next time!**


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